


taste the love in my bones

by hojichadust



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 09:03:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4013815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hojichadust/pseuds/hojichadust
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Title:</b> taste the love in my bones<br/><b>Pairings:</b> kaibaek, bts!krisyeol, bts!sesoo, and a handful of minor!onesideds<br/><b>Genre:</b> romance, mild!angst<br/><b>Rating:</b> PG-13 for language or something idk it doesn't seem likely that i'll write anything g-rated<br/><b>Summary:</b> Jongin can easily vouch that pining after someone is a terrible hobby to take up, especially when the person he loves has a pretty hard time loving himself.<br/><b>Author's Note:</b> a jizzillion thanks to <a href="http://hollabaek.livejournal.com/">hollabaek</a> for beta-ing this for me (cries senpai noticed me /hurtles myself into the ground)</p>
            </blockquote>





	taste the love in my bones

“I don’t know,” Baekhyun says, too quick and too light, “I don’t like looking in a mirror.”

Jongin stares at his feet and kicks at the sand beneath him. This is not news to him, not at all, not even despite the fact that all Baekhyun ever seems to do is look in a mirror, prying himself apart and silently finding ways to criticize every last detail. But it’s the first time his best friend of fourteen years has ever said this out loud and he can’t say anything because he doesn’t know what to say. So he lets Baekhyun continue.

“I find it hard to like things about myself, to be honest. It’s like...I just think about how I’ve never really been anything kind of cool, or interesting. Like when people ask what you like to do and what your hobbies are, or even special talents or whatever, I never have an answer for them. I can’t stop noticing it now. I’m not smart or artistic or anything.” 

“Hyung...” 

“I barely even hang out with anyone besides you. I know people don’t hate me, but they don’t really...like, _want_ me around, either. I feel like I’m just here, like I’m just taking up space. I know that’s kind of weird, but I feel like that more and more lately, like I can’t even tell if I’m even really likeable or not.”

“I like you,” Jongin says finally, toeing the sand timidly now. 

Baekhyun sighs and looks over at him because he doesn’t understand. “I know you do, Jongin,” he replies, in a tone that’s much more worn out than before. 

Jongin didn’t say it properly.

Baekhyun’s face is closed off again. He does that a lot now, where he relaxes all of his facial muscles that builds a wall to hide behind, but his dark eyes are still a giveaway. They’re always distant now, too often.

Jongin watches Baekhyun’s face, and he struggles.

 

When Jongin was a kid he noticed his skin was too dark and his lips were too pouty but Baekhyun asked him to play Legos with him anyway and Jongin liked him because Baekhyun always touched his skin like it was the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.

“How’d you get it so tan?” Baekhyun asked one day, touching a mitten to Jongin’s cheek. It was the middle of winter and they were playing snow forts in Baekhyun’s front yard and the wet, icy wool itched Jongin’s skin but he liked it when Baekhyun touched him.

“My mom says the sun used to watch me grow bigger and bigger in her stomach when I was a baby, but he liked me too much and looked at me for too long so I came out all tanned.”

Baekhyun giggled. “That’s stupid.”

“It is not!”

“Well what about me then?” Baekhyun pouted. “How come the sun didn’t like me as much?”

Jongin shakes his head. “He does like you. It just shows in your face instead of your skin.”

“My face?”

“Your smile,” Jongin said, and that was the first time he felt something stirring in his chest, the weight of his own words echoing back into his ears.

But Baekhyun didn’t notice anything different, and just beamed widely at Jongin until his face was scrunched up and his lips were pulled back over his gums and he was squeezing his eyes shut on purpose. “Like this?” he said between his teeth, not wanting to move his lips back down to form the words.

“Ew, what is that?” Jongin laughed, stuffing a handful of snow into Baekhyun’s face, and when Baekhyun screamed and tackled him to the ground in retaliation Jongin found he didn’t really mind.

 

“Hey,” Baekhyun grins, waggling an envelope in his hand as he stands to the edge of his apartment living room, “guess who just scored an acceptance letter to Yale?”

Truthfully what shocks Jongin first and foremost is how calm Baekhyun is as he says this. He’d been studying like hell to get the marks needed to get into that university to the point where he barely saw the light of day some weeks, so Jongin figured Baekhyun would’ve been anxious over getting his acceptance letters. In those moments Jongin always wanted to do something more for him, wish he could’ve done something besides forcing him to eat his poorly-cooked meals or sleep for a few hours (because Baekhyun would easily forget to do both unless Jongin told him to), but he knew he couldn’t give Baekhyun what he wanted the most.

Baekhyun had to attain that for himself.

And now that he’s done it, now that he’s standing there with the open envelope in his hand and a cool smirk on his face, Jongin realizes that Baekhyun had placed all his bets in receiving this letter since the beginning. Baekhyun, he sometimes forgets, is someone who knows how to measure his work and predict exactly what kind of results he would get out of it, no matter what the odds are or what the situation is like.

If Jongin could have such an ability, would he be able to understand exactly what he needs to do to convince Baekhyun to stay?

“Dude,” Baekhyun laughs, pulling him out of his reverie, “you look constipated. Aren’t you excited for me?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jongin responds automatically, before following it up with, “How long are you going to be gone?”

Baekhyun shrugs. “Dunno. Think I need at least a master’s to get a decent job these days, so six years, minimum.”

_What if you forget about me?_ Jongin internally panics, but he’s lost his voice and he can’t do anything but stare at Baekhyun with his eyes stinging and his mouth hanging slightly agape.

Baekhyun senses something’s wrong, and his grin falters. “You okay?”

Jongin swallows. _Say something_. His throat is too thick. His throat hurts. _Say something, idiot, before he gets worried_. Baekhyun’s name sits heavy on the tip of his tongue but his entire mouth has gone numb.

Baekhyun looks at him a little longer, frowning slightly, until the realization hits him and his expression goes slack, suddenly looking sorry. “Hey, man,” Baekhyun says, going over to him and sitting down on the couch to place a hand on Jongin’s back. It’s small and warm and Jongin feels that little thrill he gets every time Baekhyun touches him and he wants to _tell him tell him tell him_ but his everything hurts.

“It’s not that long, really. And I’ll be visiting you during the holidays and summer breaks and stuff, so it won’t be too bad. I’ll still be able to see you,” Baekhyun says reassuringly.

But Jongin knows it’s a lie. Baekhyun will be too busy studying for exams and writing essays over the breaks and then by the time summer rolls around he’ll have his own circle of American friends who’ll gladly take him around the city and give him other things to do while he’s there and Jongin would get a handful of distracted Skype calls, at best. Jongin is Baekhyun’s closest and most intimate friend and that isn’t something he can just dismiss so easily. 

But Baekhyun, who believes that he doesn’t have a place to belong no matter what his environment, has over the years developed the ability to look at his surroundings and observe everything dispassionately, and this disconnected attitude is what makes him able to do everything so level-headedly, without drama, without tears. Maybe he’ll miss Jongin, but that won’t hinder him from attaining his aspirations. 

Jongin doesn’t know if he’s prepared for the costs of ruining that kind of sure-fire resolve with his love for his best friend.

Jongin dips his head down and leans in so that he was resting on Baekhyun’s shoulder, breathing against his collarbones. It’s been a long time since he’s done this. They’re grown up now, after all. Baekhyun remembers this too, so he freezes up a bit in surprise.

“We need to hang out before you leave,” Jongin says quietly. “A lot. We’ll do stuff with the others. We need to spend as much time together as we can to make up for when you go.” _In case you don’t come back._

Baekhyun chuckles. “Sure.” His hand moves up from Jongin’s back and pats the back of Jongin’s head, half in jest and half with affection, and in that moment the panic shoots back up Jongin’s throat to choke him.

_Say it. Say it. Say it._

“Hyung.”

“Mm?”

Jongin’s chest clenches tightly. Suddenly breathing is too difficult and he quickly loses the nerve. “Can you make us some ramen?” he mumbles, blushing over the words that he hasn’t said.

“Aish, you’re hungry again?” Baekhyun dislodges himself from Jongin and struts into the kitchen without hesitation, though. “You are so lucky you have me, Kim Jongin.”

The words have Jongin’s windpipes blocking off again. He forces himself to inhale, fights not to cry. “Yeah,” he manages to choke out, so that he doesn’t tip Baekhyun off with silence, and he prays that Baekhyun didn’t detect any kind of trembling in his voice.

 

“You need to say something to him.”

There is a part of Jongin that will probably always hate Park Chanyeol. The first time he met the guy he had this god-awful perm on his head, long crimped hair dyed an outrageous orange colour, so that he looked slightly deranged when he grinned at people with that twitch in his left eye, but then one day he came to school with it all cut off and _boom_. Suddenly Chanyeol is one of the most intolerably handsome people Jongin has ever met with a smile that could pull even the most shy or reserved of people out of their shells and it grates against him that much more that Chanyeol knows about Jongin’s thing for Baekhyun but has no idea that as of two months ago Baekhyun developed a thing for _him_.

Too bad Chanyeol has a spectacularly vibrant personality to boot or it might’ve actually been possible for Jongin to hate him properly. 

Jongin shakes his head over his food, eating only because it gives him something to do. “It’d be too weird for him. It’d mess things up and I’m all he has.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I’m the only thing that’s ever been consistently there for him. Baekhyun wants someone’s affection but he doesn’t want mine. I’m the best friend, I’m the confident, I’m the only person who hasn’t turned my back on him and shit all over his expectations and he relies on me because of it.”

“So you’re cool with him just finding someone else in America and possibly never coming back?”

 _“No,”_ Jongin hisses, immediately overwhelmed, “god, Chanyeol—”

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you. It’s going to happen. You’re letting it happen by keeping yourself in the friend zone.”

“But at least I’m still _with_ him.” Jongin clutches his spoon harder. “If he rejects me then he’ll have left for America and there’ll be all this tension between us and then I’ll never be able to speak to him again and I just—I don’t think I can handle letting him go. I need him.”

Chanyeol stops in the middle of scraping what’s left of the fried rice on his plate together and stares at Jongin for a minute, before pushing his tray away. “You ever heard that saying ‘if it’s meant to be it’ll come back to you’ or whatever? Baekhyun might not accept your feelings at first but you’re such a huge part of his life that I don’t think he’ll be able to leave without thinking that over. I really think he’ll come around and realize he needs you too, eventually. So it’s like the saying goes, you know, if he comes back for you he comes back.”

Jongin hesitates, and it’s a long enough pause for them to hear the sound of several objects crashing to the ground behind Chanyeol. The two of them look across the cafeteria to find Kris Wu picking up the stack of trays he’s accidentally knocked over, one of the other seniors who’s renowned for his cool, disinterested demeanour and slightly menacing facial expressions, although it doesn’t look menacing so much as nervous now as he picks the trays off the ground in haste, glancing over in Chanyeol’s direction once or twice as he did so.

Jongin wasn’t kidding when he said Chanyeol’s smile could pull the most reserved of people out of their shell. 

 

“I don’t know if I told you this already,” Baekhyun says over dinner one day. “There’s this new kid at the restaurant, and they want to train him to start working up at the front with us. He’s your age, have I told you about him? Sehun?”

Baekhyun isn’t as stealthy about his infatuations as he would like to think. It was rare that he ever told Jongin outright that he’d developed a crush on someone, even after he’d admitted to liking both sexes and Jongin had made it very clear that he was more than okay with that (since it helps when the person of interest swings the way you swing), but he always talked excessively enough about the other person that Jongin puts it together pretty fast anyway. He never calls Baekhyun out on it, though.

Jongin coughs to fill the silence. “Yeah, you told me.”

“Yeah, well, I asked my manager if he’d let me train him. I honestly thought he’d say no cause he’s always on my case about talking to everyone and distracting them and shit, but he caved so fast. I couldn’t believe it.”

“Huh” is all Jongin says to this.

“Yeah, so, I’m gonna be training him this Saturday.”

That finally prompts Jongin to look up, spoon halfway to his mouth. “But you’re still free for drinks later on, right?”

“Ah, I don’t know. I mean, he gave us the evening shift, so...”

“But we’ve been planning this since last week.”

“Yeah, but...” Baekhyun looks slightly guilty, but then he sighs in this dismissive way that he has and Jongin knows he’s not going to win this one. “I already told him I’d do it, and I think he’d get pissed at me if I tried to bail on the kid now. And I feel like I’ve been demanding a lot of shit from him lately, too, so I should probably go.”

Jongin wondered what Sehun was like. Whether he was shorter than him, whether he had normal-sized lips. What his skin tone was like.

“Some other time, then,” Jongin says, forcing a smile, and it hurts when Baekhyun reciprocates it with a real one.

 

There was this one time when Jongin was thirteen and Baekhyun’s parents were away one weekend for their honeymoon, but rather than inviting Jongin over to his place, Baekhyun had made his way over to Jongin’s apartment out of boredom and they decided to pitch Jongin’s camping tent on his balcony so they could sleep outside.

“Hey, do you know Taeyeon? That senior who always sings the solos in the choir performances? The one who snorts really loudly when she laughs,” Baekhyun asked, after he’d grown tired of playing Pokémon on his Gameboy and had put it away.

Jongin racked his brain for a moment. “I think so.”

“Well, I actually kinda had a crush on her, but she likes someone else.”

Jongin looked up from his own gaming system then to stare at Baekhyun. Baekhyun had spoken calmly enough, but he was looking down at his lap and twiddling his thumbs.

“Everyone’s getting a girlfriend now,” Baekhyun continued, looking a little worried. “Have you noticed?”

Jongin had noticed. Last year had been all about basketball and suddenly this year was all about porn mags and lifting girls’ skirts without getting caught. He doesn’t know what the hell happened with all the other boys over the summer, but he certainly hasn’t jumped the bandwagon.

“The guy she likes isn’t even that good looking. He’s just tall and good at soccer.” Baekhyun snorted suddenly, trying to shake off the seriousness crowding the tent. “But I’m not either of those things, so I guess that’s enough reason already not to like me.”

“I like you, hyung,” Jongin said, without thinking, and he quickly snapped his DS shut for fear that Baekhyun will look at him and see the blush spreading across his cheeks from the light of his screen.

And Baekhyun did look at him, blinking and mouth half-open in surprise, before he burst out laughing and put an arm around Jongin’s shoulders, pulling him in to plant a light kiss on the top of Jongin’s head. It took Jongin a full second to register what had just happened, and by the time he does Baekhyun’s already let him go again.

“Wow, what a good dongsaeng,” Baekhyun said, ruffling Jongin’s hair and Jongin almost whined because he could imagine Baekhyun’s kiss being shaken out of it. “Who else has got an underclassman who sticks by me like you do? You’re my favourite, you know that, right?”

Jongin was blushing again, but he covered it up with a huff. “I should be. We’ve known each other the longest.”

“Yeah, but all that time together just makes you extra annoying. Consider yourself lucky that I look past that.”

Jongin shoved on Baekhyun, and when Baekhyun giggled Jongin felt a warmth spread through his chest.

Despite it being a comfortable summer night when they fell asleep, the temperature took a sudden drop around 4:00 in the morning, so that Jongin was stirred awake by the feel of Baekhyun shivering next to him; the elder boy had brought his own sleeping bag, but it was a little too thin for the early morning chill. So Jongin sat up and unzipped both his and Baekhyun’s sleeping bag, before the zipping the two of them together instead. 

“Hyung,” Jongin whispered, placing a hand on Baekhyun’s shoulder and tugging him the slightest bit. Baekhyun hums, still half-asleep, but he rolls over into Jongin’s personal space, curling up thin and shivering into Jongin’s chest, and Jongin prayed that Baekhyun couldn’t hear his thundering heartbeat as he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. At thirteen Jongin had finally reached the age where he was experiencing the beginnings of a growth spurt, so that he was already taller than Baekhyun by this point and was easily able to take the smaller boy into his arms.

Baekhyun dozes back off after that, his shivers quickly subsiding in the warmth of Jongin’s body, but Jongin found that he couldn’t stop his trembling for a long time afterward. With Baekhyun close like this it’s all too easy for him to tilt his head just that slightest bit and kiss the top of Baekhyun’s head lightly, never feeling more at home as he did then, his lips and nose buried into Baekhyun’s soft hair.

 

“Jongin, what—”

“Shut up,” Jongin says, burying his face further into Baekhyun’s chest. “I don’t feel well.”

Baekhyun relents at that, even though it’s silly, Jongin looking for comfort in the form of Baekhyun’s thin arms settling round his shoulders. “You seem different lately,” Baekhyun says, and Jongin imagines him looking up at the ceiling as he says this.

“I miss you already,” Jongin replies honestly, in hushed tones because he’s afraid Baekhyun won’t take him seriously.

Baekhyun sighs, and Jongin’s head moves with Baekhyun’s chest, lifting up a bit and then descending down again when Baekhyun exhales deeply. “You really are hopeless without me, aren’t you.”

Jongin’s afraid to answer. He squeezes Baekhyun’s waist tighter and it’s all he can do as he hopes Baekhyun isn’t thinking about Sehun with Jongin still in his arms. 

 

Everything comes to a head two weeks later.

“Jongin.”

His shoulders are hunched. 

“Tell me honestly. There’s something wrong with me, right?”

Jongin doesn’t even have to hear what’s coming next to understand what’s happening.

“He likes Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun laughs bitterly. “Which makes sense, really. Even I liked Kyungsoo for a bit, crazy as that sounds. But Kyungsoo doesn’t treat him like he treats me. He likes the kid too, already. And now Sehun’s always looking for him, trailing after him. He’s been asking me all these questions about him.”

He’s never done this. He’s never openly laid out his insecurities regarding his lacking love life before. Jongin understands how much of a touchy subject it is for him and how prideful of a person he can be and Jongin doesn’t know what it means now that Baekhyun is finally saying something but he knows that it’s scaring him.

“Then you don’t deserve him, hyung,” Jongin says quietly, shuffling forward a bit and grasping Baekhyun’s hand lightly. He’s been laying it on thick with the touching lately and Baekhyun seems to be aware of it, but he doesn’t seem to take it into much consideration.

Baekhyun sniffs. “The worst part is that I answered him honestly. I told him everything I could to help them even though it wasn’t me. I do this every time.”

“Hyung.”

“It’s disgusting.”

“No.”

“It is, Jongin, it’s so fucking pathetic.”

“It’s not pathetic.” Jongin squeezes the hand tighter and leans in closer. “It’s not your fault. You’re just lonely.”

Baekhyun bites down on his lower lip. He looks so utterly vulnerable and defeated, more so than he’s ever been even in these past few months, and Jongin can sense that he has to do something, right now, to keep Baekhyun from falling apart completely.

“But it’ll be worth all this, I swear. You’ll find—you deserve someone who’s been waiting just as long for you as you have for them, and that’s what’s gonna happen.”

“You don’t know that,” Baekhyun says, voice cracking all over the place and the sound tears at Jongin’s insides.

Jongin pauses, suddenly desperate. “Look at me.”

“I don’t want...”

“Baekhyun,” Jongin nearly whispers, “please.”

Baekhyun reaches up with one sleeve like he’s going to wipe his face with it, intent on regaining some of his composure first, but Jongin reaches out with his other hand and places it on Baekhyun’s cheek, and that stops Baekhyun right away, arm falling away so that he could look up at Jongin in shock. His skin is hot with emotion beneath Jongin’s palm, but all Jongin can think about is how perfectly Baekhyun’s face fit there. He’s never wanted anything so much in his life and it’s right in front of him now, and he still can’t voice his thoughts, can’t tell Baekhyun his deepest and most intimate secret, the only one he’s ever kept from him. 

“Don’t do this to yourself, hyung.”

“What are you doing?” Baekhyun barely breathes.

Their faces are inches apart and Jongin can feel his body moving of its own accord, gravitating closer and closer until he feels Baekhyun’s breath across his face. “Can I?” Jongin asks in a small voice.

“Jongin...” 

“Hyung,” and that’s it, the last of the gap between their faces gone and Jongin’s lips sealed around Baekhyun’s warm mouth. Baekhyun inhales sharply, gasping shallowly when Jongin pulls his lips away several seconds later, and Jongin’s hand is shaking as he hovers close, still holding Baekhyun’s face gently. 

Neither of them move away from each other, Baekhyun stiff with shock and Jongin frozen in fear, and there’s a long pause as it sinks in for both of them what has just taken place. Then, ever so slowly, their noses brush as Baekhyun tilts his head up minutely, a permission, and the head rush Jongin experiences in that moment nearly causes for him to pass out. He leans in and kisses Baekhyun again and again, making tiny, heady noises when Baekhyun's hands move tentatively to skim up his chest, curling uncertainly over his shoulders. Baekhyun’s mouth is uncertain on his, but Jongin kisses him with everything he’s pent up all these years, trying to show him a future, a promise—

And then all at once he’s being shoved away, hard enough for Jongin to crash up against the kitchen counter.

“Jesus _fucking_ Christ—”

“Hyung—”

“Oh my god— _fuck_ —” Baekhyun backs up against the fridge, bent over with hands fisted into his fringe, and there it is, the sound of everything crashing to the ground as Jongin slowly falls apart where he stands, pieces of him breaking off of his body and descending to the cold unforgiving tile beneath his feet. The only thing that remains, that stands rising, is the bile erupting in his stomach and threatening to make an appearance.

“Baekhyun,” Jongin pleads, voice cracking and hot tears already blurring his vision, “Baekhyun I’m so sorry—”

“Just,” Baekhyun interrupts, his voice suddenly going flat, “stop. I want to be alone. I need to think.”

“No, please—”

“Just let yourself out.” Baekhyun’s hands fall away from his hair and he walks past Jongin briskly, keeping his head down in order to avoid eye contact at all costs. 

Jongin stands trembling until he hears the bedroom door slam, before he presses a fist to his mouth to muffle his sob, his knees giving out beneath him and he slides brokenly to the floor.

 

He hates that Baekhyun is the problem. 

His eyes sting dry from all the crying he’s done and there’s an invisible fist that’s clenched around his heart and he wants comfort, he wants Baekhyun, wants to bury his face in the warm chest he knows so well and feel his best friend’s arms around him, holding him safe until he’s ready to come out again, but now those very same arms didn’t want him and Jongin didn’t have anyone else’s embrace to go to. He spends hours on his bed, staring blankly into space for several increments at a time, only interrupted when another blinding flash of pain consumes him and he rolls over on the sheets with cries strangling his throat and chest crushing in on itself mercilessly.

He gets a text from Chanyeol at one point, asking _are you okay man_ , and Jongin never answers it because he doesn’t know how to explain in a single sentence what it’s like loving someone for so long and finally letting them know about it, only for his worst fears to forge themselves into reality as he watches helplessly, unable to stop it.

His only safe haven is the one place Jongin can’t be right now and he’s never felt so lost.

 

It’s not for another three days that Baekhyun calls him.

Jongin is predictably reduced to a sloppy, pathetic mess, his face and eyes drooping from lack of sleep and his stomach empty for the fact that he doesn’t really feel like eating, except at dinner when his parents are watching and he’s trying to keep them unsuspecting. He’s floating between consciousness and sleep, staring out of his bedroom window and drooling slightly but not particularly caring, when his phone rings on his bedside table. He figures it’s probably Chanyeol (who has been charitable enough to continue checking after Jongin’s welfare, even though Kris Wu has been stepping things up lately and occupying most of Chanyeol’s time), or maybe Kyungsoo, the only other person Jongin really talks to (because Jongin is something of a loner too and he ended up clicking with the guy once Baekhyun had gotten over him), but when he picks his cellphone up and checks the caller ID he nearly falls off of his bed.

It takes him several deep breaths before Jongin works up the courage to answer the phone. “H-Hello?”

There’s a short pause. “Jongin.”

“Baek...”

“Chanyeol tells me you haven’t been at school lately.”

Jongin’s not sure whether he wants to bless or punch Park Chanyeol.

“Jongin,” Baekhyun says carefully, when Jongin doesn’t answer, “do you...I mean...do you like me?”

Jongin closes his eyes. There was no way to hide it now, not after the way he’d kissed him. “Yes.”

Another pause. “For how long?”

At this Jongin has to hold back a bitter laugh. “For as long as I’ve known you. For a long time, hyung.”

This time there’s a deep, heavy sigh. “Alright, open the door.”

Jongin blinks. “Open the—”

The doorbell rings.

“Knock knock,” Baekhyun says into the phone before hanging up.

For a good thirty seconds Jongin panics, because he hasn’t showered today or brushed his teeth and he’s still in his pyjamas, but the fact that Baekhyun is standing outside his door is pressuring him to move quickly and answer it, so the best thing he can do at this point is rip off his pyjamas at top speed and thrown a relatively clean pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, before making a run for the front door. He checks through the peephole to check if Baekhyun was still there and, mustering up every ounce of his courage, he opens the front door.

Baekhyun looks over at him from the bike rack where Jongin keeps his bike in the apartment hallway, and his eyes briefly flicker over Jongin’s appearance (Jongin internally winces) before his gaze falls on Jongin’s face, mouth slightly agape. He’s dressed pretty casually himself today, wearing a thick grey sweatshirt over a black t-shirt and jeans, and his ruffled dyed-blond hair is half-hidden beneath the cap he’s donned backwards on his head. 

“Hey,” Baekhyun says.

“Hi,” Jongin mumbles, staring at Baekhyun’s shoes.

“Can I come in?”

Jongin nods and steps aside for Baekhyun to cross into the threshold, closing the door behind him awkwardly and backing up against the wall when Baekhyun turns to look at him, studying him for a few moments.

“Jongin,” Baekhyun says, and his voice has softened some. “Can I ask you something?”

“O-Okay,” Jongin says, still afraid to meet Baekhyun gaze.

“What...I mean...why do you like me?”

Why did he like him. Why. A million different reasons flash to the forefront of Jongin’s mind at once and he has to swallow and concentrate to get them to stop crowding his mind so fast.

“Because you’re my best friend,” Jongin says quietly, and Baekhyun has to lean forward a bit to hear him because he’s mumbling again. “You...you still like to hang out with me, even though we’re two years apart and you lots of friends in your own year. You never made me feel bad or conscious of the way I look, even when we were kids. And I know you don’t believe this, but I think you’re a fun person to be around and I like that you still take care of me. And...and I like your face. I always have.”

“That’s not true,” Baekhyun frowns, and when Jongin blinks and opens his mouth to argue, confused and hurt, Baekhyun cuts him off by continuing, “You’re always the one who’s taking care of me.” 

Jongin blushes. “Yeah.”

“But, I mean...” Baekhyun frowns hard at the wall next to Jongin’s shoulder, and Jongin can see how damn hard Baekhyun’s thinking about what Jongin’s said, trying to make sense of it. “I still don’t get it. You’ve heard me whine and complain about how much I hate myself so many times. And I know that’s not sexy, so I don’t understand. Why the hell would you still like me after that?”

“Because I’ve never believed a word of what you say when you talk like that,” Jongin says, finding enough courage to take a small step forward. “You’ve never been boring or talentless, or—or whatever other ideas you’ve got in your damn head. You want to be noticed, but for me it’s like...the rest of the world doesn’t _have_ to see that you’re perfect, but it _should_. That’s what’s different about you and me. I’ve known that all this time and that’s the reason why I love you.”

Both of their eyes widen at the same time, Jongin choking on the end of his sentence and stumbling back a bit as Baekhyun gapes at him.

“You _love_ me?” Baekhyun echoes, stunned.

“I...I...” Jongin drops his gaze again, his face and neck on fire. “How could I not?”

There’s a long silence that follows, and Baekhyun whooshes an exhale with a barely-concealed “shit” at the end of it. 

“Jongin, I...I don’t really know what to say,” Baekhyun says. “It’s hard to think you’ve been in love with me all this time.”

Jongin presses back even more into the wall, crushed. This was it—this was the moment that Baekhyun would say “I think of you more as a brother” or “I don’t want to lose my best friend” or some other line that Baekhyun could think up to sound as inoffensive as possible. Jongin’s nose starts stinging but he forces back the tears threatening behind his eyeballs because he doesn’t want to give Baekhyun a guilt trip by crying.

Baekhyun rubs at his nose, struggling for the right words. “Look, um...I didn’t hate it when you kissed me.”

Jongin stills, before just barely raising his head to look at Baekhyun through his lashes. “You didn’t?”

“Well, no,” Baekhyun admits. “I was thinking about it, and the only people I’ve ever kissed or gotten frisky with have been complete strangers. You’re the first person who’s ever done it because you actually like me, and I noticed the difference right away. And it was...nice,” he says decidedly. “I mean, it’s still weird that it’s you, but...how do I put this...” Baekhyun wipes his palms on his jeans and looks up at the ceiling. “I wouldn’t mind...giving it a shot. Er, giving you a shot, I mean.”

And then Jongin’s looking at him, really looking at him, eyes wide and breath shallow in his chest. “What?” he breathes.

“Like...” Baekhyun squirms, embarrassed. “I wouldn’t mind...trying this out. Us. As...something more—”

The rest of Baekhyun’s breath gets tackled out of his lungs as Jongin leaps forward to trap Baekhyun in a bear hug, wrapping his arms around Baekhyun’s neck tightly and burying his face into his arm.

“Thank you,” Jongin gasps. “Thank you, god, hyung, hyung...”

For a second Baekhyun doesn’t say anything. “Are you crying?”

“No,” Jongin says indignantly, although he only further hides his face into the crook of his arm.

Baekhyun lets out a sharp laugh, all of the tension being projected from his body in that one sound, and he reaches up to rub his hands up and down Jongin’s lower back. “Hey, hey, it’s okay.” He pauses. “Even if this doesn’t work out, I’m not going anywhere.”

And Jongin doesn’t think he can hug Baekhyun any harder but he tries his damn best anyway.

 

“So?” Jongin asks shyly, as they walk back to Baekhyun’s apartment. “What’d you think?”

“Didn’t really feel that much different from when he usually hang out,” Baekhyun shrugs, side-glancing him. “But...it was interesting. I had fun.”

Jongin smiles at the sidewalk. “Good.”

“Tell me, how long did it take you decide on what to do tonight?”

Jongin blushes. “None of your business.”

“What the hell, this was technically my date too!”

“Yeah, but you’re not supposed to know what I had planned for it.”

Baekhyun scoffs. “Excuses.”

“Hey, I paid for your food!”

“That you did,” Baekhyun says contemplatively, as they move through the lobby and towards the elevator. He looks at Jongin thoughtfully. “You didn’t really have to, you know.”

“Of course I did. This is important to me, hyung,” Jongin says quietly.

Baekhyun doesn’t say anything, letting this sink in, so the elevator ride up is spent in silence, though not an uncomfortable one. Jongin’s palms start sweating as they start walking down the hall together and he’s a little afraid of reaching Baekhyun’s door because he didn’t know how he was supposed to say goodbye to him now. Did he hug him? Kiss him? Were they even officially dating?

“Well,” Baekhyun says, upon reaching his front door. “Did you want to, like...come in?”

Jongin catches himself before he inhales too sharply. “Come in?” he repeats, in an uncertain voice.

Baekhyun looks up at him before his mouth falls open and his face erupts in a dark blush. “God, not like _that!”_ he nearly shouts, before quickly composing himself. “Give a man some time to process. I still haven’t gotten over the whole you being in love with me thing.”

“It’s been like a week,” Jongin half-mutters half-whines. 

Baekhyun scoffs, but after a few seconds he looks up at Jongin, with this sharp, concentrated look, which instantly makes Jongin nervous.

“Do me a favor,” Baekhyun says, “and don’t move. Just keep still for like five seconds.”

Jongin frowns and is about to ask why, but then Baekhyun takes a step closer to him, deep in thought as he chews on his lower lip, studying Jongin’s face. Jongin gulps when two small hands reach up and cup his face, thumbs tracing over his cheekbones slightly. His heart isn’t pumping blood to his brain fast enough and he thinks if Baekhyun doesn’t do something else soon he will pass out, right there in the apartment hallway.

But then Baekhyun leans in, slowly, watching Jongin’s expression until the last possible moment before closing his eyes and brushing their lips together. It’s a chaste, experimental kiss, kind of like the one Jongin had given him the first time, but it was much more careful, the amount of pressure and time lingering weighed for the safest results. He pulls back and hovers a few inches away for a minute, before giving it another try, and this time Jongin dares to press his lips back, until they’re kissing for real, open-mouthed and hot. Jongin forgets that he’s supposed to keep still and winds his arms around Baekhyun’s waist to pull him close, and suddenly Baekhyun's backed up against the door, hands fisting in Jongin’s hair and mouth sweet from the frozen yogurt they’d been eating on the way back to the apartment.

Jongin pulls back with a gasp. “Shit, wait,” he pants, tilting his head down a bit so that his forehead was resting against Baekhyun’s brow. “Fuck, I'm sorry—”

“What’s wrong?” Baekhyun says in confusion, trying to make eye contact with him.

Jongin licked his lips. How was he supposed to explain that he’d be waiting for this for fourteen years, that he wouldn’t dare do anything to ruin this now because Baekhyun was precious and irreplacable and finally his? 

He takes a deep breath. “Slower,” he says finally. “I didn’t mean to...let’s go slower.”

Baekhyun stares at him, amazed. “You want to go slower?”

“Yeah. Unless you really want to,” Jongin quickly adds, looking up worriedly. “I mean if you don’t want to go slow then we can—”

Baekhyun pressed his lips to Jongin’s, hard, reeling the other boy in by the sides of his collar. “Shut up,” Baekhyun says against his mouth, teeth tugging slightly on Jongin’s lower lip, and Jongin’s knees nearly buckle. 

A low groan escapes before he can stop it. “ _Fuck_ , hyung, don’t—”

Baekhyun laughs lightly. “I think I like kissing you. It’s interesting.”

“You’re teasing me,” Jongin mutters, almost a pout.

“Yeah, cause it’s fun,” Baekhyun says, finally letting Jongin go and allowing him to move to arm’s length. “Just cause we’re a thing now doesn’t mean I'm not gonna be abusing your sorry ass all the time.”

But Jongin merely sweeps Baekhyun back into his arms again, because all he heard was “we’re a thing now” and that’s definitely the only important part of his sentence anyway.


End file.
